[This was written shortly after it was announced that several officers had
been discovered having sex with a television news reporter in the back seat
of their police car while on duty. Originally I was outraged, but then after
awhile, I decided getting a good news story meant being willing to have some
"fun" with the news. Here's my spin on what happened after the news was
public: a letter from Mayor Sherrie Barnard to Police Chief Terry Mangan. 

                            The Mayor Speaks....
                   A Fairy Tale from Tales From the Front

   A Theoretical Private Message from Mayor Sheri Barnard to Police Chief
                           Father Terry Mangan...

Hoo boy, you guys really blew it this time! I see in the news that several
county and city police officers have admitted having sex while on duty, and
in a few cases, in the back seats of their patrol cars. I have often
wondered how much screwing around takes place in your department, but now I
have to worry about Erickson's Department too?
  
And with a female television news anchor, no less?  She supposedly was
schlupping at least three different officers, each without the knowledge of
the others. It was bad enough that all this took place while the officers
were on duty. but in the back seat of the squad cars? Remind me never to go
anywhere with you in a squad car again. This is definitely not what I had in
mind when I suggested that we do something to improve relations with the
media. This kind of in-depth reporting we don't need!
 
This looks really bad to the public, let alone other department heads whose
budgets I just cut to pay the cost of the lawsuit over the topless dancer at
your department's stag party last year. Now I have to contend with at least
one hundred calls this morning from the heads of these other departments.
"Get her name, Sheri! Get her name!" they tell me. Why does everyone want to
know her name? Are they hoping for an exclusive story?
 
I think, in the interest of preventing any similar incidents in the future,
it is time to upgrade the Sheriff's Department Code of Conduct. This guy up
on charges before the Review Board probably is going to get reinstated on
the basis that he was ready to respond to a call within one minute,
regardless of the fact that, at the time, he was happily schlupping the hell
out of his girlfriend in the back seat of a squad car.

What is this one minute stuff, does Erickson have rabbits in his department?

Do me a favor, don't go holding any more press conferences without my
hearing about it first. After your comment on race relations, my maid walked
off the job. Good help is hard enough to get these days, without you
stirring up the race thing again. You are definitely NOT getting any more
money for anti-riot gear. I don't care what Darryl Gates told you about
riots. NO means NO!