Happenings at Springdale University Copyright 1990 by Dave Laird Editor's note: no, there isn't really a Springdale University. I started the rumor that there was such a place, and you'd be surprised the number of Spokesman-Review reporters that called the house wanting to know more about it. So, in the jargon of a news journalist, I'm sticking by my story. According to NSA (National Science Administration) officials, the combined campus of Springdale and Wellpinit University was rocked today with the details about a top secret laboratory which has been deeply involved in genetic engineering, apparently for a considerable period of time. Sources within the genetics research department refused to publicly comment to members of the press, but there are accusations that among other things, the laboratory has been experimenting with human beings, modifying human genetic codes in certain ways, to create new, unknown life forms. Through a Freedom of Information Act filing served late yesterday afternoon on the University by members of the New York Times, the following information has been obtained: 1. Research has been done to genetically alter normal human life forms to engineer what research documents have termed "a whole new class of human lifeforms". 2. While it is not yet known whether any of the lifeforms created through this experiment are at large, there is evidence to support the theory that there were plans to release them soon within the confines of the University. 3. There was a wide diversity in the type and number of creations which were already alive and moving about an unenclosed area of the laboratory, and there were indications that several of the neo-lifeforms were absent at the time that NSA officials closed in on the clandestine lab. 4. Although initial reports are sketchy, it is known that the humanoids seem to adhere to the following classifications and descriptions which were obtained from secret documents: SUPER SCOOPER AE101: A sturdy male of considerable strength, whose purpose, although unknown, seems to center on the size and shape of his overly-large, webbed hands. One species noted had large muscular hands which easily exceeded thirty inches in diameter. Further study, however, was considered ill-advised, considering that the being had what appeared to be animal excrement on both its hands when found. HARRY THE KEEP AE102: By all means one of the most controllable of all the species found, this model seems, to outward appearance, to be a perfectly formed human, normal in ever way. It has been discovered, quite by accident, that this model shows a special affinity for being able to mix alcoholic beverages as well as hold intelligent conversations. Furthermore, it seems to know every major sports event in history, as well as the scores of every major baseball and football game ever played. The species is extremely capable, based upon interaction with female news media members, of charming normal human females with ease, to such a degree they feel the irresistible urge to take the Harry model home with them. BRUTUS AE103: The most alien in appearance of all the species found, two of these models were found outside the laboratory area docilely sitting at the edge of what passes for a curbstone in Springdale. Each model, instead of hands, had what appeared to be some form of universal coupling. One of the models had what appeared to be a snowplow attached to one of these couplings, the other had some form of sanding device. It was noted that the entire town was devoid of snow, although the State Highway leading into town had patches of ice and snow still on the roadway. Other mechanical devices were later found in an outer building which seemed to be manufactured to attach, in some way, to these "living machines." SARAH AE104: There seemed to be a multitude of these creatures created, although at the time of the NSA raid, all but four of them mysteriously disappeared into the crowd. These models, especially attractive females seemingly perfect in every way, were especially robust, healthy and extremely well versed in conversations with normal men. At the time of their seizure, they were all configured in a similar manner, with very scanty dresses, abnormally large bosoms and long, attractive legs. It was later discovered by members of the NSA that these models have an unquenchable desire for coitus with normal men, and that they apparently are well-versed in every form of lovemaking known to man. WHIZ AE105: Although appearing outwardly to be a normally- developed human, it has been discovered that the WHIZ models have an unusually well-developed ability to conduct high-speed mathematical calculations. Furthermore, they have shown, in particular, a tremendous affinity for calculating odds in gambling scenarios, based upon a wide variety of input data sources. According to one of the NSA Agents involved in the raid, a WHIZ model could easily pay for itself in one afternoon at the Twenty-One tables in Reno. There are indications that this may have already taken place, since several of the WHIZ models were found to have matchbooks and placemats from various gambling establishments in Nevada on their persons at the time of their seizure. COUNCIL AE106: Several of these models were found by NSA agents genially loafing around the front entrance of the Administration Building. Thus far, the single most common sentence which they are apparently capable of speaking consists of, "I wholehearted agree, Mr. Mayor...". They are all dressed in the most natty of suits, with power ties and shirts with cufflinks, an apparent rarity in this town. Whenever they were directly approached by investigators and asked any question which would require a complex reply, their only other verbal response has been, "...We'll take it under advisement during the next council session....". Thus far, the Mayor has refused to comment on the fact that three of the COUNCIL models were found to be holding seats in the current City Council, thus giving them a clear majority vote. Although there are an additional number of these "engineered lifeforms" still being inventoried, there are no additional classifications or descriptions available at this time. It is understood that until late yesterday afternoon, the Mayor was virtually incommunicado, having been barricaded inside his bar, the Reservation Tavern, since the NSA Agents first swarmed over the Campus grounds, refusing to speak to anyone from outside the Town. However, when NSA Agents, responding to an anonymous tip, obtained a search warrant for his premises, in addition to a fully-operational SARAH model, a large sum of cash and expensive housewares were seized. It has also been learned that the residence and business of one of the two remaining Town Council members, Joe (Sixpack) Holcomb, was also raided by the NSA. Several septic tank (potty) trucks apparently driven by other engineered lifeforms, large sums of cash and several SARAH models were also seized. At present, it is not yet known what, if any, additional lifeforms were engineered by the outlaw band of genetic scientists at Springdale University. As more information is made available, we will break in with any additional news bulletins.