Ma Bell on Review...or is that Revolt??? by Homer Pheeder Our phone system in Springdale is going to hell! Take a pay phone, for example. You could always count on an phone booth for everything from ordering pizza to changing into a red cape and tights. Plunk in a dime token statement for our increasing elderly population) or a quarter, and the entire world is poised at your fingertips, right? Wrong. In Springdale, you are taking your chances. One of my all-time favorite phone companies, whose name will remain anonymous, is especially hilarious. If you dial any long distance number, the results are predictably disasterous. Since this "new" phone company lacks the technological edge, their equipment takes a few extra moments to work. To compensate for this, when you dial a long distance number you should hear a professional, friendly female voice say, "Please Wait". What you actually hear sounds like Attila the Hun's wife after she swallowed a pair of golf cleats. Then, you are treated to two minutes and forty five seconds of delightful electronic exhaust fumes. Finally, as your patience beginning to reach its limit, you are connected to another recording, this one a bit more explicit. Depending upon the your location, you either will dial in the number of your credit card or the social security number of your next of kin. Finally, minutes after you mistakenly pulled into the parking lot to make a quick phone call, your call goes through. Two minutes and forty-five seconds later the line mysteriously goes dead. Why are we receding back into the electronic dark ages, from whence we came? Is this called progress? Since, under diversification, anyone can start a telephone company, and since anyone who knows about tooth decay in dogs will tell you that there is not even a remote chance of going back the good old days with Ma Bell, I fear that some of the following communications companies may become strong players in the phone games of the future: S & M Communications Owned by: Sadie May Gas Station, Truck Stop, Diner, Gambling Casino and Brothel located at milepost marker 288 ten miles south of Springdale. Normal Services: The 0 Operators are all especially trained for oral communications. The business office, due to a glitch in the switching, often answers "AIDS Hot Line". Their company motto, "We Give Good Phone", has been summarily banned in nearly half the states, nationwide. Special Services: Much to the chagrin of the FCC, six months after Sadie May's obtained their license from the F.C.C., their entire staff were busted by a Federal Task Force for violations of the Mann Act, prostitution and other crimes of indiscretion. Customer Base: 35,000, mostly men, mostly unlisted, since their telephone directory only shows 210 active numbers. They do, however, continue to offer nearly one hundred "Pay for Play" adult entertainment 900 numbers. Advertising Policies: written copy of their advertising pages remains unavailable, since their Pink Page Listings (Sadie May believed that Yellow Pages needed some revision) are X-rated and often difficult to obtain. Diamond T for Telephone Owner: Diamond T Gambling Casino, located on the Spokane Indian Tribal lands which is, in turn, owned and operated by Sol Bonserelli, most recently of East Brooklyn, New York. Normal Services: Under normal circumstances, the 0 Operators are both courteous and well-informed. During periods of peak activity, however, callers are sometimes greeted by deep voiced men who ask, "Whaddyou want?" There have been isolated reports that persons who have failed to pay their long distance charges promptly have had their fingers broken. However, since none of the plaintiffs have thus far survived to testify, this cannot be verified. Special Services: Shortly after the firm began its operations, the President of the firm, Sol Bonserelli, was indicted by a Federal Grand Jury in New York. He was charged with committing a series of gruesome phone booth murders. Shortly after his arrest by the F.B.I. the only witness scheduled to testify against him was terminally Blue Crossed inside a pay phone booth on Staten Island, N.Y., and charges were dismissed. Client Base: With a seeming inexhaustible source of capital, the firm continues to buy out other long-distance telephone companies, giving new meaning the term "hostile takeover". Most of the former owners are never heard from again. Advertising: Although Diamond T's yellow pages have only 300 listings, their first corporate income statement broke all previous income records for any single long distance telephone company nationwide, including A.T.&T. Homer Pheeder's Farm and Communications Consortium Owner: Owned and Operated by Homer and Ester Pheeder who live on a farm outside Springdale, Washington. Normal Services: Unquestionably this system has to be one of the most amiable phone systems around. The entire system, including the 0 Operator, is capably run by Mr. Homer Pheeder, his wife Ester, and their three daughters Clarissa, Clarabelle and Cloe. They obtained the entire office, including switching equipment, at an A.T.&T. auction, and have installed it in an unused portion of the barn on their farm outside Springdale. Perhaps that is why, upon occasion, callers can distinctly hear the sound of cattle lowing in the background, especially if it is close to milking time. Special Services: A special toll-free number is available to all customers to access a "Farm Report" which is updated daily. Similar toll-free numbers exist for "Knitting Know- How", "The Artificial Inseminator's Hotline" and "God's Daily Call." Although none of the above companies have thus far stepped forward to take their places in history, it seems inevitable that somewhere right now, Ma Bell must be spinning her rotary dials over the conditions that exist after the restructuring. Surely these futuristic phone companies will soon arise from the ashes of Ma Bell and restore a semblance of sanity to small towns such as Springdale.